Unexpected Key to the Heart
by Twin Kats
Summary: When Donald and Goofy were told to find the Keyblade and its Master, they didn't expect this. / "You...have got...to be kidding me," Leon said slowly. / AU / OOC!Sora / Yaoi / LeSo / LANGUAGE! /
1. Now What is Wrong With This Picture?

_**Summary: **__When Donald and Goofy were told to find the Keyblade and its Master, they didn't expect this. // "You're pretty flat-chested for a fourteen year old, Kairi." "DIE!"_ _// AU // OOC!Sora // Yaoi // LeSo // LANGUAGE!_

_**WARNING! WARNING!**_

___If you are not over the age of 10 or something turn around...unless you've been allowed to watch R rated movies or really-should-be-R-but-they-rated-it-PG-13-for-more-views movies 'cause there's a LOT of swearing and innuendo and sexual comments and yeah._

_**WITHIN IS PROFANITY GALORE! **__As in like almost every sentence Sora speaks._

_Also there's yaoi. Don't like yaoi, go away._

_Anything else shall be said in A/N after chapter...bye!_

_**Unexpected Key to the Heart  
Now What is Wrong With This Picture?**_

_Hikari giggled softly, camera aimed and ready from her hidden spot in the closet._

_"Moku-kun," Horus gasped, "D-Don't stop."_

_Inside the closet Hikari's eyes widened and a perverted grin spread across her face. They were really--  
_  
"Sora!" Kairi called with a frown on her face. She yanked the book out of the dark haired teen's hands. "We're supposed to be working on the raft, Sora!"

"I know," Sora replied, "but can you blame me? It was getting to the good part where Moku and Horus--"

"Sora Hikari!" Kairi snapped and Sora's eyebrows rose.

"What? Are you embarrassed?" Sora questioned, a light smirk playing at his lips. "It's just a little--"

"I'm burning this."

"Burning--" Sora cried. "Fuck no, Kairi!" He lept to his feet, eyes narrowing. "Listen; I'm helping with this fucking raft, I want out, but don't think for a minute I'll let you burning my books slide!"

"This is disgusting!" Kairi scowled.

"Disgusting?" Sora snorted. "Oh yes, the coupling of two people happily in love is most certainly disgusting; forgive me for thinking otherwise, Princess." He bowed with a mocking sneer on his lips.

"ARGH!" Kairi screeched, throwing her hands up in the air.

"Is he at it again?"

"Riku!" Kairi whirled around, smile on her face. Behind her Sora fake-gagged, mouthing 'Slut' to Riku while mimicking sticking his finger down his throat. Riku in response rolled his eyes at Sora's antics.

"Kairi, I've told you, you have to ignore him," Riku said to the red head placatingly. "He only does this to rile you up. You know he love's you."

"Yes Kairi!" Sora cried out, a grin on his face. "I love you so much that I can't bare to keep you away so I purposefully draw your attention to me with smutty guy on guy stories because really I want you to come and make sweet hot passionate love right here on the beach!"

"Sora..." Riku chuckled and after a second Kairi joined in. She couldn't stay mad at him for long, not when he made jokes like that.

"So...we good?" Sora asked once his two friends stopped chuckling.

"We're good," Kairi said, giving him a slightly small smile.

"Great! Can I have my book back now oh lovely young maiden?" Sora pointedly stared at the book in her hands.

"No," Kairi stated.

"Bu-But--"

"After you get these for the raft," she handed him a simple list with a small grin.

Eyes narrowing slightly Sora snatched the list and read through it. As he read his eyebrows rose higher and higher before he finally asked.

"What the fuck do we need mushrooms, coconuts, and a seagull egg for?!"

"I'm hungry."

"You're crazy."

"GO!"

"Yes ma'am!"

Sora raced off and Riku blinked slightly before shaking his head.

"You're the only one who can really control him," he said to her. "Tell me your secret?"

Kairi just smirked slightly and said, "No."

"Damn it!"

"You can jump me whenever you want, Riku! You don't have to blackmail me into it, you know!"

"SHUT UP SORA!"

* * *

"I wonder what other world's are out there," Kairi said softly, staring up at the sky.

"Tons and tons, Kairi," Sora stated, his eyes calmly picking out several constellations.

"How do you know for sure, Sora?" Riku questioned.

"Kairi appeared on the beach; naked," Sora stated.

"SORA!" Kairi squeaked.

"What? It's true!" Sora turned to look in her direction, eyebrows raised.

"Don't make me hurt you!" Kairi growled.

"By doing what?"

"Ripping out your earrings."

"Bitch."

"Asshole."

"Slut."

"Manwhore."

"Will you two stop it?!" Riku groaned.

"Why?" Sora and Kairi asked together.

"Who care's if you showed up naked on the beach, Kairi!" Riku scowled. "Who care's if Kairi rips out your earrings, Sora? It doesn't matter--"

"Riku," Sora said slowly, eyes narrowed alongside Kairi's.

"Um...yes?"

"Run," Kairi finished simply and both she and Sora lept off the branch.

"OH SHIT!" Riku yelped and began running.

"GET BACK HERE YOU INCONSIDERATE--!" Kairi screeched.

"I'M GOING TO SHOVE YOUR DAMN SWORD UP YOUR ASS YOU STUPID--!" Sora yelled.

_'God why me?'_ Riku thought pitifully as he quickly got into his boat, untied it, and began to furiously row back to the mainland. Kairi and Sora were hot on his heels.

* * *

"I say we name the boat 'Sir Fucks A Lot' Riku," Sora stated before flipping a page in his book.

"Sora, that's gross!" Kairi scowled.

"You can't be serious!" Riku blanched.

"I'm totally serious; when have I ever not been serious?" Sora asked.

"Sora..."

"It's 'Sir Fucks A Lot' Riku or nothing."

"DIE MANWHORE!" Kairi screeched and Sora dodged her attempt to tackle him.

"Reign in your slut," Sora told Riku and Riku twitched.

"My...slut..." he said slowly.

"Yeah, you know, the red headed bitch trying to impale me with a pole?"

"DIE!" Riku roared and Sora ran.

"But you know you like her, Riku!" the brunette yelled over his shoulder. "After all whenever I come over all I hear is 'Ohh Kairi please! More! More!' I didn't realize you liked being dominated!"

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" Riku screamed.

"I mean you could've told me! I would've gladly helped out--oh shit Kairi!" Sora came to a halt as Kairi stood before him, grinning.

"Got you," she said as Sora glanced behind him where Riku was closing in, to Kairi standing stock still in front of him.

"Uhh...bye!" he said quickly and dashed off to hide in the cave. It was his hidden alcove that the two knew about.

He also knew they wouldn't look for him there; Kairi claimed it freaky and Riku knew that the cave was his turf and filled with all kinds of secret traps Sora designed just to stop them from reaching him. The brunette cackled, settled down, and pulled out his book.

"I'll be alone for a good two hours," he surmised and started reading. Midway through the chapter he paused and said, "There goes that alone time," before yelling, "I know your there!"

"You know nothing."

"Are you a pedophile?"

"This world has been connected."

"Connected? You are a pedophile, aren't you."

"Tied to the darkness."

"Kinky pedophile..."

"Soon to be completely--what the fuck!?"

"Kinky pedophile who is a complete and utter moron," Sora stated, staring at the now strung upside down man.

"Let me down!"

"Ugly pedophile..." Sora mumbled.

"I'll kill you for this!" the man screamed and disappeared.

"..." Sora stared for a minute before shaking his head. "I'm reading too many horror stories," he mumbled and walked out of the cave.

He was assaulted by Kairi and Riku within seconds.

"You're pretty flat-chested for a fourteen year old, Kairi."

"DIE!"

* * *

Sora hummed softly on his bed, heavy rock music blaring from the stereo's as he flipped through the pages of Romeo and Juliet. The world around him was drowned out on the sounds, including his mother's yells to turn it down.

_'Bitch should know by now that, that won't happen,'_ Sora thought, flipping the page again.

Even though he couldn't hear her he knew she was screaming at him.

_'Rebellious my ass,'_ the teen thought after a moment. _'She should really change her rants once and a while. Spice things up.'_

He also knew, by heart, what she was yelling at him too. It never changed so he didn't need to hear it to know what she was saying.

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks!" Sora yelled, turning down his music for a brief second to let his mother hear him. He flipped the volume up a second later, waiting long enough to hear his mother mumble 'why did I have to give birth to a genius who just doesn't care?' The words always made him grin.

The lightening flashing outside five seconds later quickly drew Sora's attention; wasn't it a calm night just a few seconds ago...?

"Are we going to blow up?" Sora mumbled, setting down Romeo and Juliet in favor of pushing open his window and staring outside. It wasn't raining; there were no signs of a storm at all. In fact it was only flashes of brilliant light and a fierce wind going upwards into a dark funnel like cloud. Sora would've said it was a twister but Destiny Islands didn't get those.

"Unusual...not at all weather like," he mused, paused, and then cursed. "Fuck!"

Sora jerked back from the window, scrounging around his messed up, dark room for _something_ that could work in his favor.

_'I'm friends with idiots,'_ the brunette thought dully before letting out a 'there you are vile light!' under his breath and snatching the flashlight. He began to pull on his shoes as the next thought raced through his head, _'They'll go to the boats and die.'_ He made to leave the room, but paused in favor to grab his iPod, stuffing it into a pocket on his hoodie. _'The water's too rough for those feeble things.'_

He ripped open his door and raced down the stairs.

"Sora?"

"The world's ending, gotta go!" Sora yelled back and darted out the door.

_'That and the raft is most certainly toast,'_ Sora grimaced slightly as he ran towards the beach. All of the boats were gone besides his feeble wooden one, he noted. _'Well, death, I greet thee with open arms,'_ the teen sighed. _'However I would greatly appreciate it if you postponed snatching my soul until after I rip Riku and new one and bash Kairi's skull in.'_ He snickered softly as he began to navigate the rocky waters.

"Easy Sora," he mumbled under his breath. "Screw up and you're dead. Wouldn't want that now, would we? Then again it looks like the world's ending so who fucking cares?"

_'Negative thoughts: bad,'_ Sora twitched. Seconds later he glanced down, having felt water sloshing at his feet, and cursed.

"Shit! We sink we die," he growled, glancing at the island, gauging the distance to swim. "Man overboard, willingly into death, here I go!"

Sora stood, and without a second thought dived off the boat and into the water.

"COLD!"

* * *

"The things I do for idiots," Sora shivered, ringing out his sweater and hair. "If my iPod is destroyed Riku and Kairi are buying me an iPhone; money be damned." Figuring he no longer looked like a drowned rat Sora flicked on the flashlight.

He suddenly wished he hadn't.

"Bug like children growing from the earth," Sora said slowly. "Am I dreaming?" he pinched himself. "Dreaming ruled out. Imagination?" one of the things bit him and he cursed. "Fuck! Imaginations ruled out!" he yelped, jumping and beginning to run. "If this has to do with the creepy kinky pedophile from earlier then he's dead. _Really_ dead! No one sends freaks of nature to bite me! NO ONE!"

Dodging, cursing, and generally getting bitten the entire time Sora darted as quickly as he could towards the shed; maybe the little buggers only existed outside.

"SAFE!" the teen gasped, slamming the door shut. He continued to gasp for breath for a few seconds until he spotted the creatures forming in the shadows of the shed. "Oh you're fucking joking," he groaned. "My life is _soo_ screwed!"

Sora took off running up the stairs, throwing open the door and dodging the things around him. Maybe he could grab the hidden sword and bash their skulls in--

"Sora!"

Sora skidded to a halt, noting that the creatures were not on the little island off the island. It was creature free, baring the silver haired thing in front of the brunette known as Riku.

"Why it's 'Sir Fucks A Lot' Riku!" Sora cried. "Next time you want to go out in a freaking death storm, don't! I really do not wish to save your ass every goddamn--"

"Oh, c'mon Sora," Riku sighed. "It's not a death storm, it's a way to other worlds!"

Sora blinked.

"The door has opened! We can go now!"

"You're possessed, aren't you," the teen stated bluntly.

"What? No! I'm just ready to go!" Riku scowled. "I'm not afraid of the darkness!"

"The darkness is evil, vile, and wishes to consume our souls to the deepest pits of hell," Sora said slowly. "Didn't you tell me that when we were five?"

"It's not anymore!" Riku growled. "I understand that!"

"You're an idiot. Now where's your slut?"

"Kairi's not a slut! And she's here, okay?!"

"Where is 'here'?" Sora asked very slowly.

"God damn it Sora just take my fucking hand!" Riku snarled and suddenly the creepy things began to form again.

"Right...I'm not touching you; those things bite, and whatever you've contracted...I don't want it," Sora stated, backing up slowly. The things converged and surrounded Sora; Riku having entirely disappeared into the swirling mass of whatever. "Nice weird child bugs," Sora said nervously. "Go away now. Shoo."

They jumped.

"FUCK!"

* * *

It took much dodging, screaming, and whacking with a giant key, to get Sora into his little alcove where the things seemed to not wish to go. He breathed a short sigh of relief. Short because they probably would show up here soon either way.

_'Next time I see Riku I'm cutting off his man tools,'_ Sora thought, closing his eyes and leaning against one of the cave walls. Once he regained his breath he headed further inside, only to pause upon seeing a familiar red head standing, facing a door.

"What...are you doing here?" Sora asked. "You hate this place. It's creepy. You don't like it. Ever."

Kairi turned slowly and Sora blinked.

"GAH! Zombie slut!" he yelped, staring at her face.

"Sora..." Kairi said slowly.

"Oh no," Sora shook his head, backing up. "Not you too. Stay away. I don't want what you have!"

The next thing Sora knew was Kairi slamming into him, something odd settling in his chest, Kairi disappearing, and being flung out of the cave.

_'I swear if this is payback for kicking that puppy I will kill something,'_ was Sora's last coherent thought before darkness claimed all.

* * *

end chapter.

_**ONWARDS TO THE AUTHORS NOTE!**_

_Yo! So I was bored and stuffs and then I was told of these challenges by __**Inumaru12**__ and I was like OMG! THIS IS AWESOME! IT'S CRAZY AND PSYCHOTIC AND RIGHT UP MY ALLEY!_

_So yeah, I decided to take up one of the challenges (right, so I have three of them in mind but I dunno if I'll write the other two challenges--__**Inumaru12**__ if you're reading this I forgot to mention those; the challenges are the __**Headwig**__ and __**AkuSor**__ stories; they piqued my interest, I just haven't figured out what to do with them yet...that and I'm a sucker for AkuSor)_

_So...this idea was born and bred and made and here it is!_

_Crazy ass Sora, Kairi, and Riku!_

_Well mostly Sora._

_Sora's supposed to be this smart, gothic, punk, reading, sarcastic, blunt, flirty kid as per __**Inumaru12**__'s instructions._

_I liked it._

_It reminds me of my Zelda story where Navi is psycho, Zelda has MPD, and Link is totally fucked up. XD Of course said story has yet to be posted; I'm waiting till I finished with Zelda arc for that._

_ANYWAY! Reviews would be nice. I know many of my avid readers are wanting updates for __**Beautiful Lie**__ and __**Strength of the Heart**__ and __**Art is a Bang!**__ but sadly those are still being annoying pains in the asses._

_For more information view my profile; I have it organized now! You click the subject name and it jumps to the subject! I've even tested it to make sure it works! HTML is such a nice thing._

_Um...yeah. I think that's all I need to say. So...tell me what you think?_

_Oh and yes Sora was quoting Shakespeare; I thought it'd be funny._

_And the lovely banter between Sora and Kairi is going to be ongoing...really ongoing. I liked it. So expect whenever Sora and Kairi are around for there to be on occasion yells of "Slut!" or "Manwhore!" from either of them._

_They're just expressing their love for each other in unique ways._

_Brotherly-Sisterly love that is. Sora's with Leon._

_"DAMN RIGHT HE IS!"_

_Go away Leon._

_Bye!_

_TK  
Twin Kats  
(Psycho kitty baby! Oh yeah! XD)_


	2. When Fate Screws Up

_**Summary: **__When Donald and Goofy were told to find the Keyblade and its Master, they didn't expect this. // Sora shrugged, "I'm different; it usually frightens people." He grinned. "Are you frightened?" "No." "You should be."_ _// AU // OOC!Sora // Yaoi // LeSo // LANGUAGE!_

_**Unexpected Key to the Heart  
When Fate Screws Up**_

_"Hey, Riku, what are you doing?" Sora asked his friend with a frown._

_"Banishing the darkness!" Riku said back with an air of finality that only a five year old could posses._

_"You can't banish the darkness, Riku," Sora stated, staring at his friend with a 'you're such an idiot' look which should not have been possible on a four year olds face._

_"But the darkness is evil, vile, and wishes to consume our souls to the deepest pits of hell!" Riku cried._

_"Who dropped you on your head as a child?" Sora questioned._

_"SORA!"_

* * *

Lying against a wall, giant key grasped in hand, Sora was in the world of dreams; this is how Pluto found him two minutes later. Now, being a smart dog (after all, he is the King's companion) Pluto realized the boy was the one his master's two friends were searching for. Of course the dog and duck didn't seem to notice how smart he was and left him on his own so Pluto of course had to gain the teen's attention and show him to his master's friends.

Not holding any way of speech besides barking, Pluto did just that to rouse the teen.

It didn't work.

So the dog went to baser methods of licking the teen awake.

That did the trick.

* * *

"Eew, Fido," Sora mumbled sleepily, trying to shove Pluto away, "I thought I told you not to do that on pain of death!" the teen opened blue eyes and blinked. "Wait, you're not Fido." Pluto barked in response. "Fido's not a pooch. You look like a pooch." Pluto let out a loud growl of indignation. "Whatever," Sora mumbled with a roll of his eyes. He pulled himself to his feet, using the giant key as leverage, and began to survey his surroundings.

"If I didn't know any better," Sora said plainly, "I'd claim myself dreaming. However I know better."

_'Riku and Kairi don't though,'_ Sora mentally added. _'So I should find them before they do something incredibly stupid--wait, they already did.'_

"Zombie slut and possessed ex-best friend," Sora mumbled. "This just isn't my day, is it." He sighed and shook his head. "Well, let's go see if they have a book shop around here. See ya, pooch!"

With books on his mind Sora left the alley and began his search. First shop he entered appeared to be run by a trio of ducks.

"Hello!" one duck said.

"How can we help you?" another asked.

Sora stared for a second.

"Talking ducks," he finally uttered. "Obviously the impossible has become possible."

"What are you talking about?" the third duck asked.

"Nothing. I'll be going now, ducks," Sora said and promptly turned and left the building. The other shops showed the same promise as the first, only they had humans running them thankfully. However there was no bookstore.

With a slightly irritated sigh Sora decided to check this one last shop.

"Hey there, how can I hel..." the man behind the counter started and then stopped. He sighed. "Aw, it's just a kid."

"Kid?" Sora blinked. "Where?" he glanced right, then left, then looked pointedly at the man. "Do you mean yourself?"

"A real smart alac are ya?!" the man demanded.

"Ask a stupid question receive a stupid answer," Sora stated bluntly. "This shop looks like a waste of time though, so bye!" Sora turned to leave when the man called out.

"Oi! Now wait just a second!" Sora turned back around. "You see this?" the man pointed to the glass case in front of him. "This is some weapons; I do repairs too."

"Can you repair an iPod?" Sora questioned.

"A wha'?"

"You poor depraved man," Sora shook his head slowly and pulled out his iPod. "This is an iPod. It plays music. It got soaked. My ex-best friend is at fault."

The man took Sora's iPod and glanced over for a second before nodding, "Yeah, I can fix this. It'll cost ya though."

"It had better not be more than 12 munny," Sora uttered.

"What?! No way; tha's way too low!" the man shouted.

"Take it or leave it; I wasn't expecting to have the world implode so I didn't grab my cash," Sora stated.

"Ya lost ya world?"

"Yes, to my idiot of an ex-best friend who got himself possessed. His slut turned into a zombie, child bug things were growing out of the ground, and it looked like a twister was forming but we don't get twisters," Sora said bluntly. "The only logical answer was the world was about to implode. I fully expected to die. I didn't. I'm rather glad. Now I can cut off Riku's man tools when I see him again and smash Kairi's head in."

_MANWHORE!_

Sora blinked slightly before shaking his head.

"Anyway, take the 12 munny or I'm gone."

"Ya a real punk, ya know that?" the man said. "Name's Cid."

"Sora," Sora replied. "So...do you work out or something?"

"I repair things," Cid replied. "Gummi ships mostly."

"Transportation man," Sora nodded. "Usually end up being the best in bed."

Cid blinked.

"Ya sure don't act like a kid," he muttered.

Sora shrugged, "I'm different; it usually frightens people." He grinned. "Are you frightened?"

"No."

"You should be."

Cid shivered; the way Sora said that, along with the grin, was just too eerie to be good.

"I'll fix it for free," he said.

"How generous of you. I'll be sure to recommend this place when I go," Sora replied, grin still in place.

"Ya do that..."

* * *

Five minutes later Sora was out of Cid's repair/weapon/gummi shop with a promise of his iPod being fully functional by the time he finished exploring and a suggestion to keep searching for that book shop.

_'I'm still going to make Riku and Kairi buy me an iPhone,'_ the brunette thought vindictively before sighing.

"This place is dull," he said simply as he wandered around. He paused after a second, blinked at the giant gate/door thing before him, and then grinned. "Ah, the next section! It better be more entertaining than this one!"

Sora pushed the door open a crack and stepped into the new section of this weird town Cid called "Traverse"

_'Funny name,'_ Sora thought bemusedly. _'It's almost like saying "Travelers" To--oh...now __**that's**__ ironic.' _He chuckled under his breath and began to make way for exploring, but stopped when some girl/man thing raced by screaming.

Blue eyes couldn't pull away from the site of one of those human things following after the girl/man thing and attacking. It was entirely fascinating to Sora to watch as the girl/man froze in horror, their heart separate from their chest, and then the girl/man disappearing. It was when the human thing moved to attack him that Sora's senses came back.

"It's one of those things from home..." he trailed off and then cursed. "DAMN IT!"

* * *

Throughout the entire other districts of Traverse Town Sora found himself continually attacked by the human things. Of course kicking them had no real affect other than getting his leg bitten; a nearby piece of wood didn't work either, much to his annoyance. The only thing he found that seemed to smash the little bastards out of existence was the giant key that he somehow could summon.

Sora didn't want to know how. It was already weird enough using the giant key as a weapon; he didn't want to know why and how he could summon it.

So, tiredly, Sora made his way back to Cid's shop.

"My iPod had better be finished or I swear I'm destroying something," Sora told the man calmly as he entered the shop.

"It's fixed," Cid replied, handing over the musical device.

Sora flipped it around, checked his music selection and everything else he could think of before nodding.

"Good. You didn't destroy it."

"Of course not!" Cid looked affronted.

"I would have to kill you if you destroyed it," Sora continued calmly and Cid shut up. With the new-found silence Sora attached his headphones to his iPod and then turned the thing on, sighing happily as his favorite music began to play. "You wouldn't happen to have anything to heal bite wounds from annoying child like bug things, would you?" Sora asked, tilting his head as he listened to the music.

"Just a Potion," Cid replied and although Sora didn't hear him he could read the other's lips.

"Potion? Like witches, wizards, evil incarnate?"

"Like healin' potion."

"Good. I wouldn't like to kill you for being a voodoo freak."

Sora noticed Cid shiver and inwardly smirked. He liked throwing people off balance. It was fun.

"Why ya askin'?" Cid questioned.

Sora stared at Cid blankly before saying, "Can you not see the blood? The pain? The weariness? THE BITE MARKS AND WRECKED CLOTHING?!"

"Don't get ya panties in a bunch," Cid muttered and pulled out a small green bottle. "Here. That'll fix ya up."

Sora swallowed it without a second thought and suddenly his wounds and the blood around them were gone. He blinked and looked down. Even his clothes were fixed!

"Interesting..." the brunette mumbled.

"Ya find ya bookstore?" Cid asked after a minute.

"No. This place is overrun with freaks of nature," Sora said as explanation.

"Keep lookin', there should be a place somewhere."

"Hmm...anymore of those 'potions' on hand?" Sora questioned.

"It'll cost ya."

"12 munny is all I have."

"..."

"Take it or leave transportation man," Sora stated.

"Fine," Cid grumbled, passing Sora two more green bottles.

"Thanks! Later, cutie!"

Sora darted out the door before Cid could even realize he'd been had.

"DAMN IT BRAT GIVE ME MY MUNNY!"

* * *

Leon had been running from Yuffie, although he wouldn't admit it out loud, and had miraculously run into the Keyblade bearer. He couldn't help but stop and stare. That outfit was scandalous on anyone.

The brunette had on a black hoodie that hung down to just above his waist with one sleeve practically missing and the other cropped halfway to his wrist. The top of the hoodie was so loose that Leon could see the fishnet shirt underneath. His jeans were tight yet not tight and had several pockets and belts everywhere. On his hands were dark black fingerless gloves, two or three wrist straps checkered with black and white were on his left wrist. What appeared to be combat boots sat on his feet.

It was his face that was the most shocking.

The boy had a piercing in his nose, two in his left eyebrow, and several piercings along both of his ears. He also appeared to have some sort of dark tinted gloss on his lips.

All in all the kid looked so down right sexy it should be illegal.

Leon thrust those thoughts away in favor of calling out to him.

"So you're the Keyblade Master."

* * *

Sora had come to a pause in his music, trying to find a certain song he liked, when someone called out, "So you're the Keyblade Master," causing him to pause and turn around.

He almost drooled. The man was hot.

He liked it.

"You certainly dress uniquely," the man said.

"Leather," Sora said appreciatively. "Very nice." The man blinked. "I'm Sora; and you sex-on-legs are...?"

_'This can't be the Keyblade Master,'_ Leon thought faintly as he replied, "Leon."

"L-e-o-n," Sora dragged out, rolling the name across his tongue. "I can hear myself screaming that," he finally decided.

Leon felt his cheeks heat up. This was most certainly not what he expected.

"You said something about a Keyblade Master?" Sora quarried. "What is a 'Keyblade'?"

"That," Leon pointed towards the giant key in Sora's hand.

"Wait, slow down," Sora shook his head. "This giant fucking key is a _weapon_?!"

"Yes..."

"That's screwed up," Sora shook his head. "I mean what can you do with it? It's blunter then a dildo. Given it makes for a great skull bashing device, and for shoving up Riku's ass if only to see is reaction, but a _weapon?!_ That's just stupid."

"We're screwed," Leon mumbled, staring at Sora in complete shock.

"Screwed?" Sora blinked, looking up at Leon from his study of the giant key. "You're asking me to bed already? Damn; I must be getting better! Even the transportation man didn't ask--although I might've freaked him out a bit too much...note to self: must remedy that."

"WHAT! No!" Leon yelped, missing the last half of Sora's statement.

"You know you're cute when red with embarrassment. I wonder how far down that goes?" A slight leer was on Sora's lips as he spoke. "Tell me, L-e-o-n, how far down does that red go?"

"You're crazy!" Leon shook his head. "I'm like twice your age!"

"Bah," Sora waved his hand. "You could be sixty and I'd still fuck you."

"Crazy!"

"No. Educated," Sora stated.

"Cra--"

"Hey Squall where--"

"Cute. Skimpily dressed. Don't tell me you're taken. I'd hate to have to kill her."

Leon kept his mouth shut, face almost bright red. This kid was something else that was for sure.

"Squall," the ninja dressed girl said slowly, noting the keyblade and correctly guessing Sora was its master, "we're screwed, aren't we."

"Oh yes let us prove how much of a slut we really are by planning a sardonic tryst right in front of an impressionable kid who really wants to be taken right here, right now, by that sexy piece of man-meat."

"It's Leon," Leon replied a bit weakly, his face now bright red. "And yes, Yuffie, we're completely and utterly screwed."

"C'mon man! Take me! Now! I wanna have that blade of yours up my ass as I scream your name so that all the worlds can hear! Right here! Right now! I'm waiting!"

The suggestive and demanding tone had Leon twitching, something Yuffie noticed. Deciding to take matters into her own hands she snuck behind Sora, hit the pressure point in his neck, and knocked him out.

"Well," Yuffie decided, "that was interesting."

Squall just stared at the unconscious form of Sora, slightly mortified.

* * *

end chapter.

_**ONWARDS TO THE AUTHORS NOTE!**_

___Right! Chapter two is out now and Sora is crazy! He's freaking out Cid, embarrassing and mortifying Leon, remembering how much of an idiot Riku is, and scaring Yuffie._

_Yes, I love Sora so much._

_He's psychotic._

_I love psychotic._

_Fictionally._

_So...chapter three is currently on stand-by. It's not started yet as I still have to pull my head up and get thinking. However I do want to thank my __**three**__ reviewers for this work of fiction._

_Yes, __**three**__._

_**Inumaru12**__ my challenger, thank you, the praise means a lot to me; especially the laughter. Next chapter will hopefully have more Cid._

_**Tysonkaiexperiment**__ thank you as well. I like that you find the story humorous. I was trying for that._

_**Reverse Anti-Depressant**__ thank you too. I'm glad you find this much better than the original KH storyline. I find I like it much better as well. Then again I'm probably biased, since I wrote this thing._

_Now, you three reviewers...you have increased my lifespan._

_As for the __**two**__ people who alerted this fic and __**two**__ people who favorited but didn't review...you have lost me lifespan._

_You know who you are._

_That's it for now I do believe!_

_TK  
Twin Kats _


	3. Psycho

_**Summary: **__When Donald and Goofy were told to find the Keyblade and its Master, they didn't expect this. / "You...have got...to be shitting me," Leon said slowly._ _/ AU / OOC!Sora / Yaoi / LeSo / LANGUAGE!  
_

_**Unexpected Key to the Heart**_  
_**Psycho**_

_Sora flipped the page of __**Insight to the Heart**__ by __**Ansem the Wise**__ as he listened to his iPod. Riku was currently trying to make the new girl, Kairi, feel welcome. She had fallen naked onto him at the beach earlier that day. Sora remembered it clearly with a slightly perverted grin that was uncannily common on his seven year old face ever since he had gotten a hold of those "adult" comic books. His mother had flipped then..._

__

Still, when Kairi had landed on him, butt naked, he couldn't help but make a remark to Riku.

_**"Look, Riku! It's raining naked girls!"**_

_****_

"SORA! GROSS!"

"What?"

"Girls have cooties!"

"If girls have cooties then how come your mom married your dad had proceeded to create you nine months later?"

"...mom's an evil psycho who holds dad under her evil psycho spells against his will."

"...Riku?"

"Yeah Sora?"

"You're stupid."

_Sora snickered softly only to blink as his iPod switched over from __**Drowning Pool**__ to __**System of a Down**__. He began to nod his head viciously as he hummed the song under his breath, once more flipping the page of the rather educational pamphlet. Soon the humming became singing._

__

"All research and successful drug policy show that treatment should be increased," Sora sang out, catching Riku and Kairi's attention. "And law enforcement decreased while abolishing, man-da-tor-y, mi-ni-mum, sen-ten-ces." The seven year old calmly repeated the verse as the song continued on.

"U-ti-li-sing drugs to pay for se-cret wars a-round the world," Sora continued and both Riku and Kairi tilted their heads as they listened. "Drugs are now your glo-bal po-li-cy now you po-lice the world."

"Riku," Kairi asked softly, "what are drugs?"

"I don't know," Riku replied, frowning.

"I buy my crack, I smack my bitch right here in ho-holy shit!" Sora screeched, voice coming mid-halt in the song as he suddenly found himself pummeled into the sand. "What the fuck?" the seven year old jumped to his feet and froze upon seeing the new red headed girl's currently red with anger face staring at him coldly. "Uh, hi?"

"Sora," Kairi said slowly.

"Um, yes girl-who-fell-naked-on-top-of-me?" Sora replied.

"I'm going to kill you."

"Nice to know, slut-child."

"DIE!"

"OHMYGOD!"

Riku laughed.

* * *

Sora let out a mild groan as he shifted awake. Blue eyes calmly blinked open to stare at an odd patchwork ceiling. He tried to sit up only to find his hands bound to the bed in thick ropes.

"Did I fall asleep to someone pounding me?" Sora yawned in slight confusion. He glanced down at himself and frowned. "Nope. I'm still dressed. Damn."

"Oi Leon! Where the hell were ya? Tha' Keyblade kid-" the door had opened to reveal Cid. Cid in turn stared at the bound form of Sora in surprise. "Well shit."

"Hiya transportation man!" Sora replied cheerfully, a wide grin across his lips.

"Kid? What the hell are ya doin' here?" Cid demanded, stepping into the room. "An' tied up for tha' matter," he amended.

Sora just blinked and tilt his head, "You know...I don't know."

"Ya...don't know..." Cid replied slowly.

"Nope!" Sora said happily.

"Okay..."

"All I remember is meeting Mr. Sex-on-legs outside of your shop and then nothing; someone must've gotten me behind-oooh...I do so hope they had _some_ fun with my unconscious body...although I would really prefer it if someone had fun with me when I was awake," the brunette pouted.

"Er..."

"Anyway! Can you help me get untied?" was the abrupt change of topic.

"What?"

"Un-tied," Sora reitterated slowly, tugging on the ropes that bound his arms above his head.

"Er..."

"Pleeaaassseee?" Sora begged.

"Um..."

"Ciiiiiiiid!" the teen cried, yanking at the ropes causing his back to arch sensually on accident-well, it wasn't totally on accident but Cid didn't need to know that.

"Uh..."

"Cid! Pleeeaaassseeeeee!" Sora practically moaned as the door opened. He twisted against the ropes, trying to break free while staring straight at Cid.

Of course, whoever entered the room saw all this and immediately jumped to one conclusion that appeared so obvious.

"CID HIGHWIND!"

Cid whipped around and paled at the sight of furious green eyes. Meanwhile on the bed Sora stilled, eyes watching what would undoubtedly be a very interesting show. His lips twitched slightly.

He so loved getting people into trouble.

* * *

"I can't believe that _kid_ is the Keyblade Master," Yuffie groaned into her non-alcoholic drink. "Squally you should've let me have alcohol," she pouted after a second. "I really am wanting to be drunk after that."

Of course beside her Leon was passed out, having drunken himself into unconsciousness. Yuffie sighed.

"Well I best get you back to Aerith; Laviathan knows the size headache you'd have when you wake up," the young ninja uttered and pulled Leon onto her shoulder. "Let's go, Squally."

"Ish Leon," was the sleepy murmur.

"Uh huh."

* * *

"Cid how _dare_ you!" Aerith shrieked. "He's a kid!"

"But Aerith-"

"I can't believe I didn't see this side of you sooner!" the woman cried and with a quick slash of her staff had Cid bent over clutching his stomach. Another slash had him on the ground, curled up and groaning. Sighing Aerith headed over towards the still tied up Sora and released him. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that," she said.

Sora sniffled slightly, "It's okay I think. I don't remember much beside waking up tied up like that."

Aerith patted his shoulder gently and led him from the room.

"Let's go get you something to drink, dear," she sighed softly.

Sora inwardly grinned.

Manipulating people was always so much fun.

* * *

"AERITH!" Yuffie called as she entered the hotel. "AERITH SQUALLY NEEDS YOU TO DE-DRUNKIFY HIM!"

"In the kitchen!" was Aerith's response. Huffing Yuffie dragged Leon into the kitchen and dropped him across the table.

"He's unconscious from being drunk," the teen stated and Aerith sighed.

"Today just isn't my day is it?" she questioned.

Yuffie frowned, confused. "Why do you say that?"

Aerith gave Yuffie this _look_ as she said, "I found Cid molesting this poor tied up child in Leon's rooms...stay away from him from now on, okay?"

Yuffie paled and asked weakly, "You didn't untie the kid, did you?"

"Of course I did! He actually left for the restroom just before you got here."

Yuffie collapsed down next to Squall's unconscious form, wide eyed.

"Laviathan save us..."

"Yuffie?"

* * *

Sora snickered quietly to himself in the bathroom. He had that green eyed young woman wrapped right around his finger and he didn't even have to do anything but sit there and look cute! She did it all herself.

"Taking advantage of the obvious naive...boy do I love being me," the brunette chuckled before his stomach rumbled. Pouting Sora mumbled, "I guess some food is good before finding Mr. Sex-on-legs again...and who knows, maybe that woman knows what the heck this giant fucking key is for anyway?" Sora glanced at the key that refused to leave his side but thankfully remained invisible for some strange reason before setting on his angelic face again and heading back to the kitchen.

"Aerith what were you thinking!" a rather familiar sexy voice yelled and Sora stilled.

"What are you talking about Squall? I saved a poor innocent boy from Cid's darker tendencies that I never knew existed! Keep Yuffie away from that...that..disgusting man!" Aerith's distinct voice sounded.

"Dammit Aerith! _I _tied that brat up after Yuffie knocked him out! He's _insane! _Completely and utterly _insane_ and he just happens to be the Keyblade Master and...and...and he's standing right behind me..." Leon finished weakly at Aerith's cold look.

Yuffie was gaping in Sora's direction as the brunette's eyes filled with tears.

"You...you left me to that man's...attentions?" Sora gasped out.

"I-I-I-" Leon stuttered, completely confused.

"Oh Sora! I'm so sorry you had to hear that," Aerith sighed, pulling the teen into a hug and shooting Leon a glare.

"But...he...what?"

"Squally you should've given me alcohol," Yuffie mumbled.

"But...he was...I swear..." Leon continued to utter incoherently as Aerith began to lead Sora away.

"Come on, let's go talk away from these two. They're still recovering from the shock, dear."

* * *

"So you're saying I'm supposed to be this savior?" Sora sniffled, inwardly gagging over the mere thought.

"Well you'll stop all the Heartless from destroying worlds by re-locking their Keyhole's," Aerith said soothingly.

"B-But it's...it's scary! I just lost my own world and my friends and now I hafta save others?" Sora whined.

Aerith pulled the teen into another hug, saying, "You won't be alone, Sora! I'm sure you won't. If you want I can make Squall and Yuffie accompany you?"

"R-Really?"

"Of course. Besides, it'll keep Yuffie away from that pedophile Cid. Now all you'll need is a Gummi ship!"

"What's a Gummi Ship?"

"Oh you're too cute!" Aerith squealed.

_'Keep it up Sora; the hottie will go with you, you just have to put up with this for a little bit longer...just a bit longer, that's all...'_

* * *

"You...have got...to be shitting me," Leon said slowly.

"Squall you will go with Sora or you will face the consequences," Aerith growled. "And watch your language!" Yuffie sniggered quietly. "You too Yuffie! I want you as far away from Cid as you can get."

"What? But Aerith!"

"No but's! Now get out there and patrol! You need to earn up some Munny to get a Gummi Ship, do you hear me? DO YOU?"

"Yes ma'am!" was the chorused reply.

"You get the Keyblade kid," Leon told Yuffie the minute Aerith left and then promptly dashed out of the room.

"Squall, no fair!" Yuffie yelled after him before turning to the now smirking Sora.

"Hello, bitch," he said with a chuckle.

_'Leviathan have mercy,'_ Yuffie whimpered.

* * *

After about fifteen minutes of patrolling Yuffie and Sora were chatting away with each other, both with manic grins on their faces.

"No way, _really?_" Yuffie gasped at something Sora said. Sora nodded his head solemnly. "Oh Laviathan that's priceless!"

"I know! And then my neighbor, Reno, went all 'Really? Ri' just fainted when Kai tol' 'im 'ow 'e was created?' before turning towards Riku's older sister, Aqua, and saying 'Nymph that boy needs therapy, yo!' and Riku's been twitchy ever since!"

"Oh gawd I really want to meet your friends now," Yuffie sighed. "Riku just sounds so...well, I'd say funny _and_ dreamy! No offense to you, Sor. I can see that ya have your eyes on something better..."

"Mm...wanna help me catch my man?"

"If it'll give Squally a much needed relaxation sure!" Yuffie grinned.

"Great!" Sora grinned and bent over to Yuffie's ear. "Now here's what I was thinking..."

* * *

"Damn child-bug thingies! DIE!" Sora yelled, bashing the giant key into the nearby Heartless. Of course after a second that prompted the arrival of a bigger Heartless.

"Um..." Yuffie said, wide eyed.

"Oh fuck no," Sora pouted.

"RUN!" Yuffie screamed and ran away.

"OI! You could help out you know!" the brunette snapped, racing after her.

Yuffie stopped, turned to Sora, and said with a slightly evil grin that put Sora on edge, "If you wish."

Sora had a chance to give her one dark look (having realized that they were on a giant tower) and say, "I'm so fucking going to bash your brains out, whore," before Yuffie pushed him over the edge of the tower.

Neither noticed the person at the base fending off a few Heartless of his own. At least, not until he yelled.

"SHIT!"

The sound of two bodies smashing into one another had Yuffie peering over the edge in curiosity.

"Or maybe I'll give her all the porn magazines she wants," Sora mumbled from atop Lean before leering at him a second later. "Hello sexy."

"YUFFIE YOU ARE SO DEAD!" was Leon's pained yell.

"Whoops," Yuffie muttered with a wince before she grinned. "Well now Sora's _officially_ fallen for Squally...so they'll _have_ to date." She cackled.

Sora grinned.

_'Yup, definitely all the porn magazines she wants.'_

* * *

_**Onwards to Author Note!**_

_Yes this chapter is shorter but meh. I couldn't think of anything else and have been sitting on this for a while. The next chapter will hopefully hold more. And yes this means I'm finally dragging this out of haitus. Now to figure out how to make the Used chapters I have work..._

_Short note, but I don't feel like saying much XD Enjoy~_

_-T__K  
__Twin Kats_


End file.
